Fine folk of the internet, we are gathered here today to discuss an important topic. It’s a topic of art, of beauty, of grace. It’s a reminder of all things good in the world, a beacon of hope.
It’s Pedro Pascal’s mustache.
In recent years, Pascal has paved a searing path in the film and television industry with the impressive range of his acting skills. Bounty hunting space dad, sultry prince, DEA agent … the list goes on. And a frequent flyer on Pascal’s journey to stardom has become a beloved icon — the mustache.
Join us now as we scientifically break down the properties of the many aliases of this great mustache.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Featuring: Agent Whiskey’s “I Know I’ve Got a Lasso, But the Mustache is the Real Weapon”
Important Qualities:
- Adequate distraction to whip out the lasso
- Technically counts as a third weapon when double-fisting revolvers
Scoville Rating:
- Piquant
The Mandalorian
Featuring: The Mandalorian’s “Use Your Imagination” aka “We Know It’s Under There”
Important Qualities:
- Mysterious
- Top secret
- Probably made of beskar
- Definitely very clean
Scoville Rating:
- Sizzling (probably)
Game of Thrones
Featuring: Oberyn Martell’s “If I Can’t Seduce You, My Mustache Certainly Will”
Important Qualities:
- Radiates power
- Actual royalty
- Clearly even the Mountain was jealous of it
Scoville Rating:
- Spicy
Triple Frontier
Featuring: Francisco ‘Catfish’ Morales’ “This Mustache Deserves an Even Split from the Heist”
Important Qualities::
- Gives off real “Trust me, I can fly this thing” vibes
- Looks even better with a baseball cap
- Rivals the value of the money lost in the heist, honestly
Scoville Rating:
- Hot
Prospect
Featuring: Ezra’s “Better the Arm Than the ‘Stache, amiright?”
Important Qualities:
- Decent bargaining tool when a teenage girl is pointing a gun at your face
- Goes great with a space suit
Scoville Rating:
- Roasting
Narcos
Featuring: Javier Peña’s “Yes Sir, I’ll Negotiate With That Mustache”
Important Qualities:
- Looks great with aviators
- Truly an absolute Look™
- This mustache single-handedly took down Pablo Escobar
Scoville Rating:
- Scorching
And now, we’re now going to take a moment to pour one out for Pascal’s missing mustache in the upcoming Wonder Woman 1984. Listen, it’s fine, rumor has it the mustache was on holiday in Bermuda during filming and couldn’t catch a flight back in time. Or maybe it was just asking for a little too much money this time around. It’s almost to the point of earning its own opening credits line at this point, after all.
So there you have it, what is arguably the best and most powerful mustache of the decade, courtesy of the one and only Pedro Pascal. An inspiration to facial hair everywhere.
