Sunday, February 5, 2023

Pedro Pascal’s Mustache: A Scientific Analysis of Power and Greatness

CELEBRITIESPedro Pascal's Mustache: A Scientific Analysis of Power and Greatness

Fine folk of the internet, we are gathered here today to discuss an important topic. It’s a topic of art, of beauty, of grace. It’s a reminder of all things good in the world, a beacon of hope.

It’s Pedro Pascal’s mustache.

In recent years, Pascal has paved a searing path in the film and television industry with the impressive range of his acting skills. Bounty hunting space dad, sultry prince, DEA agent … the list goes on. And a frequent flyer on Pascal’s journey to stardom has become a beloved icon — the mustache.

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Join us now as we scientifically break down the properties of the many aliases of this great mustache.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Featuring: Agent Whiskey’s “I Know I’ve Got a Lasso, But the Mustache is the Real Weapon”

Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox.

Important Qualities:

  • Adequate distraction to whip out the lasso
  • Technically counts as a third weapon when double-fisting revolvers

Scoville Rating:

  • Piquant

The Mandalorian

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Featuring: The Mandalorian’s “Use Your Imagination” aka “We Know It’s Under There”

Courtesy of Lucasfilm/Disney.

Important Qualities:

  • Mysterious
  • Top secret
  • Probably made of beskar
  • Definitely very clean

Scoville Rating:

  • Sizzling (probably)

Game of Thrones

Featuring: Oberyn Martell’s “If I Can’t Seduce You, My Mustache Certainly Will”

Courtesy of HBO.

Important Qualities:

  • Radiates power
  • Actual royalty
  • Clearly even the Mountain was jealous of it

Scoville Rating:

  • Spicy

Triple Frontier

Featuring: Francisco ‘Catfish’ Morales’ “This Mustache Deserves an Even Split from the Heist”

Courtesy of Netlix.

Important Qualities::

  • Gives off real “Trust me, I can fly this thing” vibes
  • Looks even better with a baseball cap
  • Rivals the value of the money lost in the heist, honestly

Scoville Rating:

  • Hot


Featuring: Ezra’s “Better the Arm Than the ‘Stache, amiright?”

Courtesy of IMDb.

Important Qualities:

  • Decent bargaining tool when a teenage girl is pointing a gun at your face
  • Goes great with a space suit

Scoville Rating:

  • Roasting


Featuring: Javier Peña’s “Yes Sir, I’ll Negotiate With That Mustache”

Courtesy of Netflix.

Important Qualities:

  • Looks great with aviators
  • Truly an absolute Look™
  • This mustache single-handedly took down Pablo Escobar

Scoville Rating:

  • Scorching

And now, we’re now going to take a moment to pour one out for Pascal’s missing mustache in the upcoming Wonder Woman 1984. Listen, it’s fine, rumor has it the mustache was on holiday in Bermuda during filming and couldn’t catch a flight back in time. Or maybe it was just asking for a little too much money this time around. It’s almost to the point of earning its own opening credits line at this point, after all.

So there you have it, what is arguably the best and most powerful mustache of the decade, courtesy of the one and only Pedro Pascal. An inspiration to facial hair everywhere.

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