Oh boy, Nine-niners. This week’s episode was a real “bowel twister!’
It begins with Jake calling Amy to the hospital for help with a case. A cartel boss named Bruno Rojas was shot through the nipple (“nature’s bullseye” – Amy) by his lieutenant and is now in a coma and under Jake’s supervision. He has called Amy in so that they can have a “casecation” and spend some time together to celebrate their one year anniversary while still at work. Amy calls Holt who agrees that Jake could “use some oversight” and the “casecation” is a go!
Jake opens the door to Rojas’ room to reveal a romantic (and French themed) cheese and bread presented by Boyle in a fancy maitre’d costume. Of course, when he asks Boyle to leave, Boyle becomes extremely upset that he will not be included (“Fine. Enjoy your WEIRD anniversary with JUST the couple. Selfish jerks.”) and storms out. They dine on a “budget conscious selection of local cheddar” while they list off their top five moments of marriage as if it were an “NBA Inside Highlights Reel”. Their top moments include: accidentally wearing each other’s contact lenses for a day, stomping a group of kids at laser tag, the time they shared an Uber Pool with Michael Caine (definitely not Michael Caine), and the time that Jake put socks on Amy’s feet while she was sleeping so that they didn’t get cold. But before they can list number one, they are interrupted by an elderly patient who had been eavesdropping on their conversation, Pam (played by Shrill’s Julia Sweeney).
She bursts in proclaiming their cuteness and insists that she just had to meet them. She is in the hospital because she suffers from a case of “twisted bowels.” She asks them if they have kids yet while shrouding it in some good old fashioned old lady racism (“Mixed race babies are always SO adorable!”) This causes friction between Jake and Amy when Amy responds that they don’t but they are going to start trying soon. It turns out that the couple never really discussed having kids before getting married (well, Amy thought they did and Jake thought that conversation was about a water park, because it’s Jake.) Which leaves them in a tough situation because Amy definitely wants children and Jake doesn’t. Amy insists that they settle this problem by engaging in structured debate (“High school format. Modified Lincoln-Douglas.” – My former debate kid self died at this joke and all of the following debate jokes.) moderated by Captain Holt.
They each take an hour to prep their arguments. Amy returns with stacks of files and Jake returns with his feelings scribbled down on a piece of paper. It does not go well. Holt gives most of the points to Amy and Jake insults structured debate (to the horror of Amy, Holt, and via phone backup moderators Kevin and Gayle, the Debate Club Vice President). Jake confesses that the real reason he doesn’t want children is because of his own experience being raised by a terrible father. He ended up with extreme “daddy issues” and now he is terrified that he might mess up and cause similar problems for any children he brings in to the world. He tells her that he doesn’t want to have a baby unless he’s one hundred percent sure that he’s ready to take care of it.
Holt leaves, and Amy and Jake have a sincere but painful discussion about the future. He insists that he just needs more time to think about it. She counters by telling him that she can’t wait around for two years for him to decide he doesn’t because that means she will have to start over and she doesn’t want to start to try and have kids at 38 because that will be too late for her. (“Women don’t have the luxury of waiting till we’re 60 and then changing our minds and having a baby with some dumb 28 year old.”) She needs to know if he is in or out now. Jake is stunned that this might mean the end of their marriage. Of course, at this moment, Terry and Rosa burst in singing the “casecation” song and interrupting the fight. They came to inform Jake and Amy that there has been chatter in their informant network that the lieutenant that tried to take out Rojas is sending someone to finish the job. Amy leaves with Rosa to lock down the nurses’ station while Terry and Jake stay to guard the room.
Rosa sides with Amy, claiming that while she never wants kids she thinks that Amy should have them. (“You should absolutely have them. They’re so cute it’s f*cked up.”) She offers to bully Jake into agreeing with Amy, but Amy declines saying that she thinks leaving Jake alone with Terry will solve her problem. Unfortunately for her, at that moment Terry is telling Jake not to have kids. He starts telling Jake horror stories about his daughters (“I still haven’t finished Breaking Bad but I can recite Moana from memory!”) and saying that while he loves them dearly, they are also a lot of stress and responsibility. He stresses that Jake should not have kids unless he is absolutely one hundred percent sure that he wants them and can handle the pressure.
While Amy and Rosa are talking they spot a man trying to sneak past security so they run and tackle him, finding a picture of Rojas but strangely, no weapon. Terry and Jake run to meet them but Jake realizes that this is a distraction and sprints back to the room. In the room he finds Pam standing next to the comatose Rojas and holding a pipe bomb. Jake sends Terry to evacuate the hospital and call for backup. Pam confesses that a handsome man (“Antonio Banderas could play him in a movie! What is Banderas doing now a days, I know, he should be on Outlander!”) convinced her to detonate the bomb in exchange for enough money to take care of her son Bobby (and his daughter) for the rest of his life. After a second “structured debate” and a lot of nervous chatter from Pam, Jake convinces her (with the promise of arts and crafts in prison) to hand over the bomb and turn herself in.
Later, having narrowly avoided being blown up, Amy and Jake reconcile. He tells her that he has changed his mind and even though he is still scared, he does want to have kids with her. They agree to take next week off of work so that they can take a real vacation, at the water park.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 9pm on NBC