‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’: Captain Holt’s Novelty Tank Tops Ranked

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The season six premiere of Brooklyn Nine-Nine aired last night on NBC, and along with bringing us 99ers a “noice” and “toight” fix of our favorite show, it also blessed us with the precious gift of Andre Braugher‘s stoic Captain Holt in an endless array of brightly colored novelty tank tops and t-shirts.

It was glorious. It was beautiful. It was breathtaking.

So obviously, they had to be documented and ranked – for posterity. They were scored based on the following: color, design, punny slogan, and how much they made me laugh hysterically.

Fifth Place: The Tequila Shirt.

Image courtesy of NBC.

While I love a classic drunk-dad-on-vacation shirt, “1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor” was the most basic of the shirts Holt wears. There was no graphic design element, and the font was lacking. The neon green was a great color choice, but overall, this shirt was basic and gets last place.

Fourth Place: The Muscle Tee

Image courtesy of NBC.

It has so much going for it. It’s sleeveless. It has a body that looks like it might have been modeled off of Terry Crews on it. It has nipples. Unfortunately though, he remains seated while wearing it (obscuring the lower half) so we don’t get to see it in all of its fake muscle-y glory. For this reason, I had to put it in fourth place.

Third Place: The ‘What’s Up Beaches’ Tank

Image courtesy of NBC.

I love Holt in a bright pink tank top. The man looks good in neon. I love the cheesy vacation themed pun. I also love the cute palm tree design paired with the pun. Sadly, it just couldn’t hold a candle to the top two tees, because the pun wasn’t a sexual innuendo.

Second Place: The “Down to Fiesta” Shirt

Image courtesy of NBC.

It has everything! A beautiful neon blue, a fun and jazzy font, a cute little sun, and most importantly, the slogan “DTF – DOWN TO FIESTA.” I love puns, but I especially love when they’re dirty (or almost dirty). I also love when Captain Holt lets his randy side out. There is nothing to not love about this classic look.

First Place: Obviously the Pineapple “Slut” Shirt

Image courtesy of NBC.

I mean come on guys. It’s a pineapple. In a thong. It has the word “slut.” It’s everything I could have ever wanted, and then they had this exchange about the shirt:

Jake Peralta: “I’m confused, are we calling the pineapple a slut, or is the pineapple calling someone else a slut?”

Captain Holt: “Don’t be ridiculous. Obviously the pineapple is the slut.”

I love it. I love pineapples. I love that they put the pineapple in a very tall thong. I love that the pineapple is owning its sexuality. I love slutty pineapples and I’m not afraid to say it. Captain Holt totally pulls it off. It. Is. Iconic. Pineapple Slut forever!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 9pm on NBC.

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By Britt
Britt is a Los Angeles based writer, burlesque performer, and life long nerd. A former drama kid turned playwright and classic ambivert, (shout out fellow ambiverts! There are dozens of us! Dozens!) her love of books, snacks, and cats makes her a Ravenclaw with Hufflepuff leanings. She is a voracious reader, writer, and unapologetic binge-watcher. Her lifelong obsessions include Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Arrested Development, Neil Gaiman, and Frank Herbert's Dune series. Her current obsessions include: Sherlock, Black Mirror, The Great British Baking Show, RuPaul's Drag Race, and Counterpart. She will also gladly talk people's ears off about graphic novels if they let her, which they usually don't. Find Britt on Twitter @MsGeorgiaOQueef
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