Thanks to Zava, the Greyhounds are on a hot winning streak. But now, they’ll be facing Nate and West Ham United in what is sure to be quite a grudge match.
Good Morning, Greyhounds!
It’s an early morning for Jamie and Roy, 4 a.m. to be exact. Jamie’s got to get in three workouts instead of two if he’s going to be better than Zava. Meanwhile, Nate is up with the sun to begin strategizing to take on Zava and the Greyhounds and it would seem that Ted is already getting inside of Nate’s head.
Ted wakes up to Sassy already getting ready to leave and he shoots his shot to take this one step further and out onto a real date to be shot down. Sassy says he’s too much of a mess, she’s been there, too. They agree that friends with benefits is the way to stay.
As Sassy gets into her Uber (with her 3.9 passenger rating), Nate drives by and fails to spot Jamie and Roy training in the park, complete with Jamie vomiting from too many burpees as Roy enjoys a breakfast sandwich.
It’s All About Strategy
Rebecca is venting about Rupert at Keeley’s office when Shandy walks in to thank Keeley for the opportunity. She’s thought of a great new promo for Bantr using the single players on the team: since the app is all anonymous, there’s a chance you might be chatting with a professional footballer. Rebecca immediately asks about the participants, Shandy noting that Sam has pulled out of the campaign. Guess he’s no longer single… As Shandy leaves, Barbara comes in and requests two tickets for the West Ham vs. Richmond game for Jack Danvers, their boss. Rebecca gets them seats in her box and Barbara is simply delighted.
Beard and Roy are sharing their strategies with Higgins, they know how much of a tactician Nate is on the field and they also know they’re no match for him. They opt to play Nate’s false nine because they know it’s the last thing Nate will be expecting. One flaw, telling Zava he needs to drop back to midfield. An argument breaks out when Ted walks into the office and he diffuses the situation before calling the Diamond Dogs into session. He’s still dwelling on Sassy calling him a mess. Roy leaves and Beard confirms that yes, Ted is indeed a mess.
The pundits are split on who wins between Richmond and West Ham, but Zava comes in speaking words of wisdom, even somehow convincing Zoreaux his name doesn’t even need to be Zoreaux anymore when his pronunciation is corrected. Jamie agrees that they don’t need to be worrying about what the pundits say and Isaac reminds them what it’s all about and taps the signature ‘Believe’ sign above the door. Then, the team is spooked when half of it falls down. Clearly, Ted never made a new one after it was torn up last season and didn’t ever tell the team about it. Crimm sitting in the corner has found his next investigation.
A Taste of Fame
Nate returns to Taste of Athens and Jade is still unimpressed by him, however, the manager of the restaurant, Derek, is not. He comps the lunch Nate ordered for his entire staff, but Jade still could care less. (She is all of us.)
Shandy’s ads are going well, Colin, Dani, and Zoreaux (now Van Damme after Jean Claude Van Damme since Zava told him he could be anyone) do their bits, and when Jamie gets up to the bench Shandy can’t help but marvel a little. Keeley tries to talk Shandy out of it, he’s cocky, self-absorbed, selfish, and a bit of whore, but she also convinces herself that none of those things are true anymore.
Trent has located the source of the ‘Believe’ sign massacre, and of course, we already know it was Nate. But now they have the footage. Beard and Roy want to show the team to motivate them with anger, but Ted disagrees. Speaking of Ted, Nate is stressing about seeing him for the first time since he left. He even mentions that he feels like he needs to apologize to him. Rupert assures him he’s done nothing wrong and that he only owes him a hello and a handshake before he beats him.
Rebecca heads down to check on Ted, who’s still dwelling on his former marriage counselor dating his ex-wife, and she assures him that he is indeed a mess but to not dwell on Sassy’s remarks too much (of course, she knows, girl talk).
Richmond vs. West Ham
It’s game day, and Keeley is nervous to meet her boss for the first time so she runs off to the bathroom. Rebecca runs into Rupert and Bex, which doesn’t start the day off too well for her. Things aren’t going great for Keeley either, who finds herself unprepared for her time of the month. Thankfully, the person in the stall next door with some fabulous shoes has what she needs and passes her a tampon beneath the wall.
Ted is also off to an awkward start when he finds himself alone in an elevator with Nate who has tucked himself very awkwardly into the corner. Ted greets him in the most Ted fashion, happily and unbothered, but Nate is already bumbling trying to apologize before the ding of the elevator and Rupert’s insidious beckon interrupts him.
Keeley meets Jack, and Jack is a woman. The same woman that had passed her a tampon in the restroom. Shandy notes Barbara’s obsession with Rebecca when they all head off to the bar, too.
This game is for the top spot in the league, with Ted greeting a silent Nate as the teams enter the pitch. It’s a tight first half, with West Ham going up one right before Nate pulls one of his Wonder Kid tactics right before the half to make it two-nil.
At the half, Rebecca is waiting for Ted in the hall and she’s in a bit of a panic. After the bizarre interaction with her, Ted walks into another shocker; the team is up in arms after watching the footage of Nate ripping up the ‘Believe’ sign. They’re furious, and they take that rage out onto the pitch. And it ends in nothing short of a disaster. Penalties, red cards, ejections, barely any players are left by the time the game ends at 4-1, West Ham.
Nate refuses to shake Ted’s hand as the whistle blows and Rebecca leaves quickly to avoid Rupert’s gloating but she finds something even better, Rupert canoodling with his assistant behind Bex’s back. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Beard and Roy are expecting, almost asking for Ted’s rage, but that’s not Ted’s style. He quietly takes the thumb drive with the footage and leaves them with an optimistic “shake it off fellas, a lot of football left this season” which is somehow even worse than being yelled at. In his post-match interview, Nate is asked why he snubbed Ted’s handshake at the end of the match, and Nate plays it off like he just forgot in his excitement before quickly leaving in search of Ted. He finds him getting ready to board the bus, but as he goes to finally get the chat with his old coach he’s been wanting all day, he’s interrupted by Rupert’s assistant who has given him a very prestigious ticket to a party at Bones and Honey. By the time that exchange is over, Ted is gone.
Rebecca and Rupert have their run-in, and she tells him she knows about his affair with his assistant and warns him to stop fucking around. Keeley apologizes to Jack for the team’s bizarre behavior and Shandy walks in to tell them the good news that Bantr is trending thanks to her new bio line: Wanna fuck a rich celebrity? Keeley is furious, this isn’t what Bantr is about, and she makes Shandy change it right away. She doesn’t care that subscribers have tripled.
Meanwhile, Nate arrives at the afterparty where Rupert is still being scummy with his assistant, and they even have a date for Nate, Anastasia. Roy goes to fetch Jamie for one last training session before dinner, and Jamie is rearing to go, sprinting out of the house with his headlight on.
Ted calls Michelle who apologizes to Ted for his loss before he tells her that he’s upset about her dating Jacob and that he didn’t get any forewarning, but he needed to be honest. Regardless of what’s going on, they have to raise Henry together, they’re stuck together and he tells her that he still loves her and he loves Henry. He loves their family, no matter what it looks like.
They hang up, and Michelle looks every bit taken aback and a little smitten after his words.
Best Ted-isms of the Week
Y’all are pointing more fingers than Ganesha giving directions.
I’m a work in prog-mess.
Woah, you’re tall, is your dad a tree or something?
Ted Lasso season 3, episode 5 premieres exclusively on Apple TV+ Wednesday, April 12.