It’s AFC Richmond vs West Ham this season, and nothing proved that more than Nate’s comments at the presser last week. However, in true Ted fashion, he’s unbothered (at least on the outside) and ready to get this season underway.
Trent Crimm, Now Independent
Keeley is at the office when Ted arrives for the morning, biscuits in hand, as well as an unexpected guest: Trent Crimm. Last season, he was let go from his job for revealing his anonymous source — which was Nate — to Ted, which means he’s now on his own and ready for his next project. And he’s had a brilliant idea; he wants to write a book about Richmond’s season as they fight to stay in the Premier League.
Rebecca, Leslie, and Keeley are both begging Ted to say no since it is his call after all, but Ted is Ted, and he agrees. As the deal is sealed, Leslie gets huge news: Italian superstar striker Zava is leaving his team and looking to join a team in the Premier League. He would be a great addition to the team, for obvious reasons, but he’s very expensive and a bit of a diva, never staying with a team more than a year but always managing to win trophies. With all that in mind, Rebecca opts to give it a go anyway; how else is she going to beat Rupert?
Keeley and Ted head downstairs, and she runs into Isaac, who wants her to get him a shoe deal with no brand attached, and Jamie. As Roy approaches, Jamie backs off immediately, and Isaac tells him that Roy and Keeley are broken up as he watches their awkward interaction down the hall. It’s all kinesics, man. Keeley leaves while Roy heads to his office, and Jamie follows, shockingly ending up in Roy’s office where he attempts to give him a hug to comfort him, which Roy refuses, with Will looking on from the corner.
Who is Zava?
Ted has no idea who Zava is or what it would mean to the team, but Beard does, and Ted consults him on the matter. Beard is enthusiastic, to say the least. Turns out Ted does know him, just in a different way. He recognizes him in a YouTube video called Veggie Dog Vigilante, where Zava is seen knocking out a potential thief with a headbutt.
A commotion outside has Ted and Beard checking in on the team, where Ted tries to guess the rumor they’re buzzing about and tells them that they might be getting Zava, Rojas thrilled that his wish from 30 seconds ago is coming true. Then, he sees if they’ve discovered Trent Crimm is writing a book about them, but also no. Turns out it was about Roy and Keeley breaking up. Beard screeches, and Ted faints, and when Roy walks in, the team gives him a sympathetic “aw,” and Roy lunges at Jamie, assuming it was him that spilled the news. But it wasn’t, and he again has to clarify that he’s the one that broke up with her.
When Roy finds out about Trent, he’s livid, threatening the team with his head through their skulls if they even think about saying a word around Trent.
Plenty of Fish in the Chel-C
While filming a commercial, Keeley meets up with an old friend from her modeling days, Shandy Fine, who’s one of the dancers on set. Shandy is thrilled that Keeley made it out all by herself, without needing to marry a footballer, after seeing her in Vanity Fair. The directors want 100 more people to make the dance floor seemed crammed, but Shandy has an optical illusion trick that won’t cost anyone another dime.
Rebecca gets a call from her mother as she’s reading an article about how Rupert and West Ham are going after Zava as well, and her mother comes bearing great news. Tish, her psychic, has agreed to consider seeing Rebecca, who is less than thrilled. As she hangs up, Leslie comes in and breaks the news that Zava won’t even agree to meet with them. However, he has some decent news; Zava has decided on Chelsea, which is at least better than West Ham. Leslie says it’s a relief Rupert won’t get him, but Rebecca scolds him for jinxing it, with Zava saying he’d never go to West Ham, it would make Rupert want him even more.
In worse news for Roy, he and Trent will be sharing an office, and his desk is filled with flowers, balloons, and a condolences card from someone named Liza (the fish in the C joke really feels like Ms. Bowen from last season might be coming back around). But at least the team is heeding Roy’s warning and staying utterly silent in Trent’s presence. Trent takes a call, and Roy begins slowly popping the balloons surrounding him until Trent leaves the room.
Chelsea vs. Richmond
Keeley has brought Shandy on to the team in a made-up position, and Barbara is less than pleased. Shandy has no experience, and Barbara knows she’s only gotten a job because she’s Keeley’s friend. Keeley has had it with her attitude and confronts Barbara in her office, finding her extensive snow globe collection before the two come to an agreement on expectations and Shandy’s official title.
Roy gets a heartwarming homecoming to Chelsea, the team he spent a large chunk of his career with prior to retiring with Richmond. Zava arrives in the stands to watch his new team play, the crowd and Rojas going wild.
Luck isn’t on Richmond’s side in the game nor in the stands, as Rupert has gotten his claws into Zava. Even Leslie admits he jinxed it. Rebecca tells Keeley how she knows Rupert will land Zava, it won’t be too far off of how he landed her. When they met, she was bartending at a club, and his persistence and charm won her over after six weeks of his attempts, she felt so lucky that he wanted her. And the same will happen with Zava.
At halftime, as the team is strategizing, silence overcomes the locker room when Trent walks in, and Ted pulls Roy aside to tell him to end whatever this is so the team can move forward. Roy agrees and pulls Trent aside, pulling a newspaper clipping out of his wallet and reading it aloud. It was written by Trent when Roy was just starting out in the Premier League at 17 years old, the article insulting him, calling him mediocre and a disappointment. He confesses that the words wrecked him, and Trent tells him that he, too, was just starting out, and he thought his edgy take would help further his career and make a name for himself. But he sees the error of his ways now and apologizes, Roy accepting and allowing the team to talk around him. Beef squashed.
Rupert vs. Rebecca: Zava Edition
Leslie confirms that Zava has changed his mind and is intending to go to West Ham, but Rebecca says if Rupert can try and sweet talk Zava, so can she. The two have a confrontation as she seeks Zava out, Rupert hyping Nate up as Zava emerges. She follows him into the bathroom, insulting him by telling him if he was really so great, he could play anywhere, not just at the top team in the Premier League. They don’t even need him to win; it’s just an easy victory for him.
The game is tied after Rojas’ face scores, and Jamie is unimpressed with how eager Dani is to have Zava watching him score. The game ends up with a tie, better than expected, and at the presser, it’s time for the big news. Chelsea thinks Zava is signing with them, Rupert assumes he’s signing with West Ham, but Zava has something else up his sleeve.
“Zava will play for Richmond.”
After the game, Ted asks Roy what it was like being back at Chelsea, and he confesses it was sad. He recalls the moment during his last season there he knew his time on the pitch was coming to an end, and being back there today had made him wonder if he should have stayed and enjoyed himself. Ted reminds him if he’d stayed, they may have never met, and with that, the three men go their separate ways for the night.
Top Ted-isms of the Week
Ain’t no time like the present, except 11:11, that’s my wishin’ time.
Beg to differ, Claudia Schiffer.
Right now we are being so unoffensive, we might as well be a Hallmark Christmas movie.
I’m gonna need you to order off the vegan menu right now and squash it.
Episode 3 of Ted Lasso season 3 premieres next Wednesday, March 29 exclusively on Apple TV+.