“You’re destined for enlightenment.”
Klaus Hargreeves — former drug addict, Umbrella Academy deadbeat, Vietnam veteran … spiritual guide — is here to take us on a journey of wisdom and culture like we’ve never experienced before. Get ready to say hello to this new awakening in your soul, and goodbye to the troubles of your jaded, mundane existence, because Destiny’s Children are here to welcome you with open arms into our promised land with the prophet who speaks of the future.
Oh this? No. No, it isn’t a cult. It’s an alternative spiritual community, one with great benefits. Here, let’s take a gander at all you can experience as a valued member of our heavenly hamlet.
Your Sense of Style Will Skyrocket to Unfathomable Heights
Who wants to live in khaki when you can thrive in aquamarine? Plus, Klaus has a rich, fashionable history that he’ll surely bestow upon us in his teachings. I’m mainly looking for those leather pants that were threaded up the sides …?
You’ll Hear Fables Firsthand That Would Rival Aesop Himself
Is there anything more captivating than a good story with a sound message geared towards total life improvement? No. So sit back as Klaus teaches you about frogs, and why they’re bitches. If you have any questions though, you’ll have to wait for the prophet to receive another divine message after a shot of whiskey blessed water.
And Receive the Most Sound Life Advice
We’re looking for purpose, for guidance, and Klaus knows exactly where to head when you’re looking for an answer to those burning questions inside your heart. The rivers and the lakes that you’re used to, of course.
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No Pyramid Schemes Here — Getting Cash in a Pinch 101 with Klaus Hargreeves
There is no need to join any multi-level marketing companies to get you some quick cash. Want to work from home? You got it. Klaus is a master of finding the very best items from around your home and showing you how to turn a profit with them. (This technique not allowed at the mansion.)
There Will Absolutely Be Mexican Food
You’ll learn the key to being an incredible lookout, which is getting a burrito. And also the greatest tips and tricks to saving the world, one of which is getting tacos. Plus, you’ll have some homegrown vegetables courtesy of Jill to add to your dish to really complete its destiny of being the greatest clean sustenance to fuel your next yoga session …
Yoga with a Certified P-R-O-F-E-S-S-I-O-N-A-L
Downward Dog, Shavasana, Cat-Cow, Balancing Butterfly … all key to aligning our chakras and readying ourselves for the onslaught of reality with a balanced mind. There’s no room for negativity here. Our humble teacher graces us with his advanced yogi techniques and impeccable finesse and form.
Klaus in a Loincloth
Because well …
Are you ready to devote yourself to the prophet Klaus? Good. You can stream seasons 1 and 2 of The Umbrella Academy as many times as you want on Netflix right now. So what are you waiting for? Go!
