‘Twas the night before the swanky blue-tick comeback, and all through the sleepless city spent heinously tying its tongue around a cherry bomb trust fund baby was several stirs. Booze as ageless and well kept hidden as their evening’s suitors, a sultry mixtape with its heartline synchronized to TikTok’s picks, and the rumblings of two first-initial crowned retirees. Could it be? B & S trading in their suburban Moncler puffer jacket for daring my alter ego, Gossip Girl, herself, to be stepped on with killer Louboutins.
What about you, an avid reader with the power to turn a 280-characters tweet into a trending topic? Would you let little ol’ secret teller me surrender to such a socially crucible fate, or is there another way to bow down? Take a stab at our xoxo-approved fashionable adventure by choosing your virtualized player. A leggy, sunshine mane haphazardly falling across svelte shoulders as if she’d just woken up from a deep slumber Barbie? Or Darth Vader waving around a hypnotizing red-glow needle as she stitches the “W” into Waldorf Designs?
Player one: Serena van der Woodsen
In the social-media spewing sphere where spring cleaning an Instagram account so carefully chosen photos twined with that really pretty yet suddenly mainstream filter from an influencer is tidier than a bedroom floor, one’s iPhone is still tuned into the window to our soul setting. Serena’s, for example, when not slow-motion tossed into street bins, phone case is either some sort of splattered paint butterfly mosaic or barbed wire but makes it art.
It’s actually quite similar to the home screen wallpaper, a photo of supermodel Kate Moss with a cut-out ‘Supreme’ blanketed across a grey tee and a cigarette bud poking between her index and middle finger. A cheetah print fleece coat, for extra measure, is wrapped around hunched shoulders giving off wild yet still presentable at brunch vibes. If it weren’t for 5 Seconds of Summer’s “She’s Kinda Hot” acting as a ringtone blaring through every forced break between small talk conversation, then perhaps Serena wouldn’t have an excuse to make the noticeable exit.
Would you: Visit the Met Steps (see choice one) or Step into Headmistress Queller’s office over at Constance Billard (choice two)?
Choice one
If there’s nothing one adores more than apologetic videos timely fitting the around eight-minute airtime. Instead of being coaxed into the siren toned pleas of getting onto daddy’s good side, wondering where one of my darling recently canceled socialites bought their holographic pigmented eyeshadow, then it’s ruining a great party, particularly ones sealed with a kiss, that is. Unfortunately, Serena tucked into a well-tailored jacket will have to catch the recap as her handout invitation must’ve been swapped with Little J’s after a triangle-infested tiff without the scandalous tape was ousted against fellow Blair. Nevertheless, her closet has quite a few of them, jackets, too, that span from biker leather to thigh-high wool.
Would you: Cause quite the Trevi Fountain splash by pushing a season’s arc’s frenemy in (choice three), or who needs a resting poker face when the smoldering smize is a much better pose fit for a fashion show (choice four)?
Choice two
Not much for pamphlets, but if there were bound to be one to medicate the acutely diagnosed broken heart syndrome, then underneath the list of five-stage grief symptoms, they’d either be the flirting parlor trick of nursing back a vodka cranberry across from your ex-something or calling fold upon seeing him walk the new girl around campus. She may have Lonely Boy dotting hearts around Alexis Bledel-inspired bangs only for the lyrical couplet to feature the sort of boots made for stomping the Manhattan location feed. Pairing it with jeans, casual dresses that could possibly be hampered into the boyfriend shirt category, and the teasing sight of legs, it’s the perfect laidback staple.
Would you: Lofi noise over the tugging exchange of a party playlist is best paired with showing your ex what they’re missing (choice five) or more so claiming them as last season with a white party on the just-in rack (choice six)?
Choice three
A flick of a teenage rom-com watcher’s wrist reminds us a penny into an Italianised fountain is what dreams are made of rather than the wickedly desaturated terrors of pushing a frenemy in for a clickbait title. In fact, it not only drives a further wedge between but leaves Seven For All Mankind skinny jeans incredibly sordid. Those of which Serena mostly wore glammed up with caramel-toned stripes, denim button-stenciled vests, and even silk waterfall tanks harmonized with colorful denim fabrics.
Choice four
Taking a 50s inspired tousled do to a camera-lit runway makes for quite a head-turner Fashion Week debut when the photographer in the row front is seated next to the show’s ringleader, Eleanor Waldorf. Though is it the slip stitch-up of a Little J original that calls for front-page tabloid drama? At least the spotted pearl necklace is a nice tie into the Serena wardrobe essential. Chunky, insouciantly draped down one’s chest, it doesn’t matter if it’s an assortment of dried-pasta flavoring colors or something more monochrome it gives an ordinary outfit a facelift.
Choice five
When calculating the 100-pointer steal a kiss from your best friend’s ex, B, make sure the only scrap of evidence for this traitor case file is caught on the fresenic social media scroll. Rather than lurking in the half-cast shadow of photographer Georgina Sparks with Serena very much dumbfoundedly glued to the room’s door frame. As oopsie as that sparkly silver cardigan coordinated with a schoolyard tie? Joking, as much as an odd choice with the trespassing lady of the hour draped in her signature red straight from space to glitterize an otherwise bubblegum wardrobe is a mesh of silvers, golds, and whatever shade in between. Gotta mention that DVF dress; it’s floating around Google’s images but classified as one of my all-time favorites.
Choice six
With a party favors bag zip locking bunny ears and the Gatsby decadence swung into the shorn bobs rocking flappers, you know one has leniency towards a theme. So, while it drains almost every out of the box thinking the seasonal Hamptons white party does still get a shout out. Especially if it calls for an impromptu kissing tale between Serena and Nate, what was once a Lonely Boy type was decidedly upgraded from a Brooklyn garage door apartment to a suite. We’re not talking about your basic torn from a blank-paged story white onto a simply boring dress either; it has a plunging backless fit with the unexpected detailing usually thrown onto any of Serena’s pieces. Studs …. sequins … patterns … it’s a simplified way to add an idiosyncratic touch.
Player two: Blair Waldorf
Think the hypothetical; our lives are strategically cut in an editor’s lab into an approximately 90-episode run curated under nine seasons. Each decade-acclaimed birthday sees the blow out of candles, sometimes placed on a tiny finger scraping icing cupcake or a fancy themed cake. It then wouldn’t be autobiographical if sprinkled in weren’t those calling back to Audrey Hepburn.
Whether it’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s or Roman Holiday, a tuned-in channel surfer viewer of Blair Waldorf’s life’s journey probably penned “Behind the Headband” would see scenes taken from both an ordinary day and the dream world desaturated in grey tones. Shots of the Upper East Sider paying homage to both memorable quotes and finger-waving realizations of who-once-wore costumes. Under those more than likely themes, one would bring a questionable gaze to just who would fill out the recurring characters?
Would you: Battle it out in the socialite fold at Constance Billard amongst Jenny Humphrey (if so, see choice one) or dip a stiletto into the teenage love pool (choice two)?
Choice one
Princess starter kits usually have three key elements. Those consisting of the remote by either greenery mosses or haunting lakes, old-stoned Scotland castle where there’s bound to be at least one hidden passageway, a tiara, and an illustrious feud, joining the portrait-ranks of Queen Elizabeth I vs. Mary, Queen of Scots. While there’s not a bit of royal blood between, a flashback memory of Jenny Humphrey’s minions scooping up a dollop of yogurt with a tiny spoon to plummet over Blair Waldorf’s headband-wearing curls definitely sizes up against the latter’s standards. Sure, it’s animalistic, but when combined with the femininity shrouding her aesthetic, we move swiftly into the first staple of Blair’s wardrobe … blouses. Low-hanging ruffles forming into the shape of a v, playground bows stitched onto collars, and even slouchy button-ups tucked into skirts.
Would you: Not care about high school when one can rule an entire kingdom (choice three) or hatch up a scheme similar to the Great Georgina Sparks Takedown (choice four)?
Choice two
Pauper isn’t a nickname we’d typically pass over to Chuck Bass. Yet, when he’s loitering in the hidden shelters of high school corridors, jealously watching on as his best friend toys into the promised golden relationship signed since their first playdate, it certainly does fit. The only pop of innocent color is shaded into Blair’s headband; more often, though, seen in the various coats she models around campus, hiding her small frame from the city’s blues. Whether it’s a vexing verdant tied together with a yellow handbag, said yellow over sanguine tights, or pop of bright, she selects coats for the day.
Would you: See what Nate’s taste in corsages is like by attending prom (choice five) or get into the back of a limo with the devil (choice six)?
Choice three
Recycling analogies here but between the over-the-top storylines doused with an even more scandalous extinguisher if there ever would’ve been a call to the more realistic, then it was undoubtedly Blair being in line for the throne. Or some back of the line royal arbitrary as rumors sparked with Monégasque’s most calculated prince, Louis Grimaldi. Swapping over headbands for a tiara, it could’ve been unfortunate to see this everyday accessory go. It was interwoven into the show’s fabric with every sort of cut one can conjure up, from bulky side-red bows to the fine Cambridge blue leaf-trailed.
Choice four
When formulating the ultimate revenge-tracked clique to take down a mutual enemy, the bible-armed weaponry Georgina Sparks is who you want as your primary cutthroat. However, sometimes she goes a little too far, so you can just call upon iconic sayings such as “Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy b**** around here!” That’s gotta work when dethroning J, right? Especially when matched with your own secret, vintage kryptonite, a Tiffany & Co. Fleur de Lis Key Pendant necklace that speaks of the city’s heritage forever glued to Blair’s neck. It’s that once belonged to the musical wind-up jewelry box found in the dusty attic with your mother’s name engraved onto its wooden casing claimed as yours.
Choice five
Brainstorming the four-letter word ‘prom’ and what might float into poppable thought bubbles are murderous attempts at venging the entire class body since teenage boys are so Jennifer’s Body. On the other hand, underneath Blair’s bed was the ultimate fairytale dream book consisting of her perfect dress, Marchesa Spring 2008, of course with Nate’s grin surfacing in those instagrammable photos upon taking home the title for Queen. In all of its shining, glossed glory would be the golden statement detailing belonging to the 40s and 50s vibe she trend sets; vintage-inspired fashionable prints, short shoulder sleeves, and hoop skirts are what to add to the shopping cart.
Choice six
Now, what would a sweetly hush-toned Blair Waldorf alternative be like if her universe wasn’t upscaled into the tantalizing back of the limos with first experiences and lady-like but easily undone Falke stockings? Luckily, and thankfully, for us, the writers never gave a head turn to that tragic doppelganger and instead bribed one into La Perla and Agent Provocateur lingerie.
Gossip Girl, the revival which sees secrets puppeteered by Kristen Bell’s narration to an entirely new class of Upper East Siders, premieres on HBO Max on July 8.